Desperate Households
Desperate for Intimacy
Song of Solomon 8: 6 – 7
Once upon a time there lived in the Midwest a girl. Her father, who owned a large wheat field, had died when she was just seven. Leaving the wheat field to her three older brothers, her mother, and her. The brothers filled their days with alcohol and criticism of their sister. She never let them see her cry.
She might be a wheat farmer, but she is a princess at heart. She is young with a youth that seems eternal. Her flowing hair, her deep eyes, her luscious lips, her sculpted figure – she makes the rose blush for shame. The sun is pale compared to her light. Her heart is golden. Her love is true as an arrow.
One evening she was floating through the wheat field and she noticed a young, handsome, warrior of a man standing at the end of the field. The power in his eyes has her oblivious to the darkness that is falling around her.
They speak. Her mother calls for her to come home. She leaves. He asks to see her again. She smiles. Another day. Same place. They connect.
The wheat field becomes a battle ground for her heart. Her brothers try to kill her passion with words that wound. Her warrior fights back with a raw courage to set her free. Much blood is shed on both sides. The battle is intense. The warrior is wounded. His princess throws her self on him and passionately says, “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave.”
Her brothers coward back slouched in defeat. The princess and her courageous warrior create a bed out of the wheat and give passion a new meaning.
Fast forward ten years and the princess drives a taxi disguised as a mini-van, a warrior with a bear gut whose courageous stand has been replaced by a slouched, beer gut flopped in a recliner with the sword replaced by a remote control. She know longer feels like a princess, no like connects, no longer feels the passion found in the wheat field, or the commitment of a man that will fight for her heart that was once upon a time now she never lets them see her cry.
Today a lot of relationships are desperate for intimacy. A lot of folks have had their “once upon a time” turn into “once upon a disaster.” Do you remember when you were dating and the stupidest thing that your boyfriend said or did just made you laugh? Guys, do you remember when she simply just walked in the room your mouth automatically when into that goofy smile position? How many of us can think back on a friendship that we once had where we promised to always be there for the other person. We were committed to be friends no matter what and then life happened, marriage, children, careers, and before you knew it you lost touch? What about that marriage that started out with so much passion, when sex was something that not only other people were doing, when you still enjoyed sitting and talking, when you did spontaneous, mysterious things just to make the other person happy? Remember when commitment was real and lived out and not something you screamed in the middle of an argument about failed attempt at commitment? What happened? Passion is missing. Commitment is a failure.
Intimacy. Intimacy is what happened or what didn’t happen. Intimacy is not something that can be easily defined. Early in life we are sold on this myth of perfect relationships. We are given an image of marriage as a fairy tale or friendships that never have conflict. Intimacy is the bridge that links passion and commitment. Every relationship has three components of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion generally is highest early in a relationship. All couples have to do is think back to the honeymoon stage. Early on marriages have a lot of passion. The honeymoon stage is a very intense period in any relationship. Some of our most passionate love is experienced during this period. Also some of our most passionate conflicts are experienced. The reason all this passion is flying is because we tend to unconsciously select a partner for how he or she makes us feel. We choose someone to fill the emotional gap left over from childhood. In time, this unconscious demand leaves both partners angry, empty, and fearful. Passion eventually dies without commitment and in order to link passion to commitment one must have intimacy in marriage. Passion and commitment can both exist and should exist in marriage. When we add intimacy to a relationship we can experience passionate commitment. What person in here today does not want to experience passionate commitment? A commitment that lifts the relationship on a level that no one knew existed. It is this type of commitment that is described in the Song of Solomon.
The song belongs to a tradition of love poetry found in other places in the Near East. It represents an ideal of love. It shows a relationship charged with erotic energy. Love in the Song of Solomon is seen as a communion of souls. For the two lovers, love becomes a mode of perception. When the two lovers look at each other they see a world of their own making. It is a Song describing a man and woman in unashamed intimacy. The Song moves from the experience of intense longing to that of blissful enjoyment, and then to longing once more. The woman seeks her absent love and finds him, only to lose him and seek him again. The lovers are separated from each other, joined in an ecstatic embrace, and then apart once again. The Song moves between presence and absence, possession and loss, exhilaration and dejection. Everything about this love is mutual. Both man and woman move from one emotion to the other.
The scripture we read earlier is the culmination of the union of the man and woman. Let’s read it again. (Ask all the women read it out loud) The woman says to her lover, “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, in a raging flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If one offered for love all the wealth of one’s house, it would be utterly scorned” (Song of Solomon 8: 6 – 7).
A young warrior, a beautiful princess when making love, together they confront death. Love is as strong as death. Could it be possible that the love between two people is a defiant act against death? Love is a challenge to death. In Hebrew the phrase “a raging flame” can also be understood as “a flame of Yahweh himself.” Passion and intimacy is God’s idea. Intimacy starts with God.
Intimacy is about strength. Intimacy is the offer our strength to the person we love. To offer our strength to the person we are passionate about means that we are willing to go to battle for her. It means that she is ready to stand up for her man. To offer a friend our strength is to reassure them we are with them when they struggle. Offering our strength to another person is risky. We take the risk of self-disclosure. It is allowing our partner to know our fears and our dreams and our weaknesses. In order to know your strength and have it to offer we must be aware of our weaknesses. Revealing our weaknesses is a humbling experience and one that many men are not willing to take.
Men we cannot have the princess without the cost. Ladies, you cannot have the warrior with the cost. Men, we cannot have the joys of the beauty without willing to fight. Ladies, you cannot know the joy of companionship without a fight. A lot of people today want love without the risk, want passion without commitment, want intimacy without demonstrating strength. What they get is a one night stand of weak, shallow, and disconnectedness and we are not talking about college students on Spring Break but marriage couples who have been together for twenty-five years.
How do we develop intimacy in marriage and relationships? First, talk about your weaknesses. Don’t be afraid to share with your partner what frightens you. Be honest. Don’t coward behind a false strength. Second, offer your strength. Be willing to fight for the other person. Be willing to sacrifice. Stand up. Three, view marriage as an adventure. Marriage ought to be a daring adventure or it is nothing. It should be an adventure in growth and in change, in breaking out of the familiar and into the excitement of doing new things together, and discovering new life. A lot of men view marriage like a hunting trip – after the wedding the adventure is over. The deer has been mounted. A lot of women view marriage like fishing. The fish caught out of the large pool has been transplanted into the fish bowl.
I tell couples when they come in for pre-marital counseling that they are given the responsibility for one simple thing in marriage. Marriage is an adventure of helping the other person be all that God intends for them to be. What if we all had that vision of marriage? Our roles is to partner with God in bringing the people in my life into a relationship with God and to serve Him the way that He intended. Repeat this with me: I will offer my strength to the person I love. I will offer my strength to the person I love. How will you do that? Take a moment and write out the ways you will begin to offer your strength to the person you love? Do it together and both of you can experience an intimacy in marriage that you did not know existed.
Intimacy is a journey. It will be a destination you will never reach. It puts the adventure into marriage and relationships. So go ahead start the journey. Offer your strength. Be adventurous. That is God’s way for relationships. Amen.
Desperate for Intimacy
Song of Solomon 8: 6 – 7
Once upon a time there lived in the Midwest a girl. Her father, who owned a large wheat field, had died when she was just seven. Leaving the wheat field to her three older brothers, her mother, and her. The brothers filled their days with alcohol and criticism of their sister. She never let them see her cry.
She might be a wheat farmer, but she is a princess at heart. She is young with a youth that seems eternal. Her flowing hair, her deep eyes, her luscious lips, her sculpted figure – she makes the rose blush for shame. The sun is pale compared to her light. Her heart is golden. Her love is true as an arrow.
One evening she was floating through the wheat field and she noticed a young, handsome, warrior of a man standing at the end of the field. The power in his eyes has her oblivious to the darkness that is falling around her.
They speak. Her mother calls for her to come home. She leaves. He asks to see her again. She smiles. Another day. Same place. They connect.
The wheat field becomes a battle ground for her heart. Her brothers try to kill her passion with words that wound. Her warrior fights back with a raw courage to set her free. Much blood is shed on both sides. The battle is intense. The warrior is wounded. His princess throws her self on him and passionately says, “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave.”
Her brothers coward back slouched in defeat. The princess and her courageous warrior create a bed out of the wheat and give passion a new meaning.
Fast forward ten years and the princess drives a taxi disguised as a mini-van, a warrior with a bear gut whose courageous stand has been replaced by a slouched, beer gut flopped in a recliner with the sword replaced by a remote control. She know longer feels like a princess, no like connects, no longer feels the passion found in the wheat field, or the commitment of a man that will fight for her heart that was once upon a time now she never lets them see her cry.
Today a lot of relationships are desperate for intimacy. A lot of folks have had their “once upon a time” turn into “once upon a disaster.” Do you remember when you were dating and the stupidest thing that your boyfriend said or did just made you laugh? Guys, do you remember when she simply just walked in the room your mouth automatically when into that goofy smile position? How many of us can think back on a friendship that we once had where we promised to always be there for the other person. We were committed to be friends no matter what and then life happened, marriage, children, careers, and before you knew it you lost touch? What about that marriage that started out with so much passion, when sex was something that not only other people were doing, when you still enjoyed sitting and talking, when you did spontaneous, mysterious things just to make the other person happy? Remember when commitment was real and lived out and not something you screamed in the middle of an argument about failed attempt at commitment? What happened? Passion is missing. Commitment is a failure.
Intimacy. Intimacy is what happened or what didn’t happen. Intimacy is not something that can be easily defined. Early in life we are sold on this myth of perfect relationships. We are given an image of marriage as a fairy tale or friendships that never have conflict. Intimacy is the bridge that links passion and commitment. Every relationship has three components of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion generally is highest early in a relationship. All couples have to do is think back to the honeymoon stage. Early on marriages have a lot of passion. The honeymoon stage is a very intense period in any relationship. Some of our most passionate love is experienced during this period. Also some of our most passionate conflicts are experienced. The reason all this passion is flying is because we tend to unconsciously select a partner for how he or she makes us feel. We choose someone to fill the emotional gap left over from childhood. In time, this unconscious demand leaves both partners angry, empty, and fearful. Passion eventually dies without commitment and in order to link passion to commitment one must have intimacy in marriage. Passion and commitment can both exist and should exist in marriage. When we add intimacy to a relationship we can experience passionate commitment. What person in here today does not want to experience passionate commitment? A commitment that lifts the relationship on a level that no one knew existed. It is this type of commitment that is described in the Song of Solomon.
The song belongs to a tradition of love poetry found in other places in the Near East. It represents an ideal of love. It shows a relationship charged with erotic energy. Love in the Song of Solomon is seen as a communion of souls. For the two lovers, love becomes a mode of perception. When the two lovers look at each other they see a world of their own making. It is a Song describing a man and woman in unashamed intimacy. The Song moves from the experience of intense longing to that of blissful enjoyment, and then to longing once more. The woman seeks her absent love and finds him, only to lose him and seek him again. The lovers are separated from each other, joined in an ecstatic embrace, and then apart once again. The Song moves between presence and absence, possession and loss, exhilaration and dejection. Everything about this love is mutual. Both man and woman move from one emotion to the other.
The scripture we read earlier is the culmination of the union of the man and woman. Let’s read it again. (Ask all the women read it out loud) The woman says to her lover, “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, in a raging flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If one offered for love all the wealth of one’s house, it would be utterly scorned” (Song of Solomon 8: 6 – 7).
A young warrior, a beautiful princess when making love, together they confront death. Love is as strong as death. Could it be possible that the love between two people is a defiant act against death? Love is a challenge to death. In Hebrew the phrase “a raging flame” can also be understood as “a flame of Yahweh himself.” Passion and intimacy is God’s idea. Intimacy starts with God.
Intimacy is about strength. Intimacy is the offer our strength to the person we love. To offer our strength to the person we are passionate about means that we are willing to go to battle for her. It means that she is ready to stand up for her man. To offer a friend our strength is to reassure them we are with them when they struggle. Offering our strength to another person is risky. We take the risk of self-disclosure. It is allowing our partner to know our fears and our dreams and our weaknesses. In order to know your strength and have it to offer we must be aware of our weaknesses. Revealing our weaknesses is a humbling experience and one that many men are not willing to take.
Men we cannot have the princess without the cost. Ladies, you cannot have the warrior with the cost. Men, we cannot have the joys of the beauty without willing to fight. Ladies, you cannot know the joy of companionship without a fight. A lot of people today want love without the risk, want passion without commitment, want intimacy without demonstrating strength. What they get is a one night stand of weak, shallow, and disconnectedness and we are not talking about college students on Spring Break but marriage couples who have been together for twenty-five years.
How do we develop intimacy in marriage and relationships? First, talk about your weaknesses. Don’t be afraid to share with your partner what frightens you. Be honest. Don’t coward behind a false strength. Second, offer your strength. Be willing to fight for the other person. Be willing to sacrifice. Stand up. Three, view marriage as an adventure. Marriage ought to be a daring adventure or it is nothing. It should be an adventure in growth and in change, in breaking out of the familiar and into the excitement of doing new things together, and discovering new life. A lot of men view marriage like a hunting trip – after the wedding the adventure is over. The deer has been mounted. A lot of women view marriage like fishing. The fish caught out of the large pool has been transplanted into the fish bowl.
I tell couples when they come in for pre-marital counseling that they are given the responsibility for one simple thing in marriage. Marriage is an adventure of helping the other person be all that God intends for them to be. What if we all had that vision of marriage? Our roles is to partner with God in bringing the people in my life into a relationship with God and to serve Him the way that He intended. Repeat this with me: I will offer my strength to the person I love. I will offer my strength to the person I love. How will you do that? Take a moment and write out the ways you will begin to offer your strength to the person you love? Do it together and both of you can experience an intimacy in marriage that you did not know existed.
Intimacy is a journey. It will be a destination you will never reach. It puts the adventure into marriage and relationships. So go ahead start the journey. Offer your strength. Be adventurous. That is God’s way for relationships. Amen.
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