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Desperate Households
Desperate for Communication
Ephesians 4: 29
January 11th, 2009
Do you ever feel that you are talking a different language than your spouse? Do you get that confused look from some people when you begin to speak? Communication is difficult. Men and women communicate differently. When a man says, “Can I help with dinner?” He really means, “Why isn’t it already on the table?” When a woman says, “Come help me with dinner.” She really means, “I want to tell you everything about my day.” When a man says, “Take a break honey, you’re working to hard.” He really means, “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.” When a woman says, “Take a break honey, you’re working too hard.” A woman never says that because she is just glad to get him to do something around the house!
Today we are going to look at the area of communication. We will focus particularly on the role of encouragement in communication. In your bulletin you will find an area for sermon notes. We encourage you to take the opportunity to fill that out and use it as a guide for further study during the week.
What is communication? Communication is simply the ability to speak freely and honestly and to hear clearly and accurately what is being said. The reason communication can be so challenging is because our behavior is always a function of perception. We behave according to how things seem to us not necessarily what may be true to reality. This causes us to interpret words in a manner that they may not have intended. For example, when I reflect back over most of the arguments my wife and I have had they have developed over either me or her misinterpreted what was being said. Our communication circles around the perceptions we create. The good news is that our perception can be modified.
There was a study done a number of years back at the University of Denver. They looked at newlyweds over the first ten years of their marriage. And this is what they found out: The couples that ended up staying together used five or less putdowns out of every one hundred comments. And the ones who eventually split up were using ten or more putdowns for every one hundred comments.
The message is obvious. The words we use will dictate the health and quality of our relationships. Words are powerful. In the story of Job we have a man who has lost everything – his children, his home, and his health. He has three friends who come and try to convince Job that it is his fault that he is in this horrible state. Finally Job has enough of this negative bashing, he says, “"How long are you going to keep battering away at me, pounding me with these harangues? Time after time after time you jump all over me. Do you have no conscience, abusing me like this? Even if I have, somehow or other, gotten off the track, what business is that of yours? Why do you insist on putting me down, using my troubles as a stick to beat me” (Job 19:ff The Message)? The writer of Proverbs says, “Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit—you choose” (Proverbs 18:21, The Message). We have a choice. Will we use words to give life or kill? When it comes to your most intimate relationships with spouse, children, and friends how careful are you with your words?
In Ephesians 4: 29 the Apostle Paul says, “Let no evil talk come out of your mouth, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.” I want to ask you to repeat this verse with me.
The reason that our spouse may not be hearing what we are saying is because we have spoke so much negativity that they have closed themselves off to our words. Most of our life we function by rewards. We work for a paycheck. We play by certain rules to get the benefits. We may live for rewards but we live by encouragement. The trick is we cannot encourage ourselves. Encouragement must come from others and if we are only getting shut down then we are more tempted to shut out.
In the book of Hebrews we are told to “encourage one another daily” (Hebrews 3: 13 NIV). How do we do this? Encouragement means that we focus on the strengths of the other person rather than their weaknesses. I want you to practice being encouraging this week. First, memorize Ephesians 4: 29. Let’s say it again, ““Let no evil talk come out of your mouth, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.” Secondly, For the next week you can’t say anything negative about your spouse/friend/child, to your spouse/friend/child, or to anyone else about your spouse/friend/child. Thirdly, be intentional about saying something that you admire or appreciate about your spouse/friend/child every day.
Proverbs 16: 21 says, “Pleasant words are persuasive.” It is true isn’t? We are a lot more motivated with words of encouragement than we are with words of negativity. Every time you speak a word of encouragement to your spouse, friend or child you are in affect saying, “I believe in you.” Those words can change marriages and relationships. Amen.
Desperate for Communication
Ephesians 4: 29
January 11th, 2009
Do you ever feel that you are talking a different language than your spouse? Do you get that confused look from some people when you begin to speak? Communication is difficult. Men and women communicate differently. When a man says, “Can I help with dinner?” He really means, “Why isn’t it already on the table?” When a woman says, “Come help me with dinner.” She really means, “I want to tell you everything about my day.” When a man says, “Take a break honey, you’re working to hard.” He really means, “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.” When a woman says, “Take a break honey, you’re working too hard.” A woman never says that because she is just glad to get him to do something around the house!
Today we are going to look at the area of communication. We will focus particularly on the role of encouragement in communication. In your bulletin you will find an area for sermon notes. We encourage you to take the opportunity to fill that out and use it as a guide for further study during the week.
What is communication? Communication is simply the ability to speak freely and honestly and to hear clearly and accurately what is being said. The reason communication can be so challenging is because our behavior is always a function of perception. We behave according to how things seem to us not necessarily what may be true to reality. This causes us to interpret words in a manner that they may not have intended. For example, when I reflect back over most of the arguments my wife and I have had they have developed over either me or her misinterpreted what was being said. Our communication circles around the perceptions we create. The good news is that our perception can be modified.
There was a study done a number of years back at the University of Denver. They looked at newlyweds over the first ten years of their marriage. And this is what they found out: The couples that ended up staying together used five or less putdowns out of every one hundred comments. And the ones who eventually split up were using ten or more putdowns for every one hundred comments.
The message is obvious. The words we use will dictate the health and quality of our relationships. Words are powerful. In the story of Job we have a man who has lost everything – his children, his home, and his health. He has three friends who come and try to convince Job that it is his fault that he is in this horrible state. Finally Job has enough of this negative bashing, he says, “"How long are you going to keep battering away at me, pounding me with these harangues? Time after time after time you jump all over me. Do you have no conscience, abusing me like this? Even if I have, somehow or other, gotten off the track, what business is that of yours? Why do you insist on putting me down, using my troubles as a stick to beat me” (Job 19:ff The Message)? The writer of Proverbs says, “Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit—you choose” (Proverbs 18:21, The Message). We have a choice. Will we use words to give life or kill? When it comes to your most intimate relationships with spouse, children, and friends how careful are you with your words?
In Ephesians 4: 29 the Apostle Paul says, “Let no evil talk come out of your mouth, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.” I want to ask you to repeat this verse with me.
The reason that our spouse may not be hearing what we are saying is because we have spoke so much negativity that they have closed themselves off to our words. Most of our life we function by rewards. We work for a paycheck. We play by certain rules to get the benefits. We may live for rewards but we live by encouragement. The trick is we cannot encourage ourselves. Encouragement must come from others and if we are only getting shut down then we are more tempted to shut out.
In the book of Hebrews we are told to “encourage one another daily” (Hebrews 3: 13 NIV). How do we do this? Encouragement means that we focus on the strengths of the other person rather than their weaknesses. I want you to practice being encouraging this week. First, memorize Ephesians 4: 29. Let’s say it again, ““Let no evil talk come out of your mouth, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.” Secondly, For the next week you can’t say anything negative about your spouse/friend/child, to your spouse/friend/child, or to anyone else about your spouse/friend/child. Thirdly, be intentional about saying something that you admire or appreciate about your spouse/friend/child every day.
Proverbs 16: 21 says, “Pleasant words are persuasive.” It is true isn’t? We are a lot more motivated with words of encouragement than we are with words of negativity. Every time you speak a word of encouragement to your spouse, friend or child you are in affect saying, “I believe in you.” Those words can change marriages and relationships. Amen.
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